Diary Post #3. Aftershocks

 I often have moments where my process is tested. As I would like to say that I know exactly what I'm doing, I don't. Very often I will weigh pros, cons, and long term effects to choose the best possible outcome. I try to think about everyone that will be involved and how to benefit everyone. I do this so I can be solid on what I believe is the best way to accomplish a goal or milestone, while making sure that I don't take advantage of anyone who joins me on the journey.

Yet and still, how can you have a solid foundation if it is not tested? The process of getting or achieving the goal or milestone is itself a test. 

I have no problem having to prove myself to myself or others, at this point in my creative career, it feels like I'll have to do it until communicating my vision becomes easier to me. That comes with experience and in time, I know it will get easier.

In my current experience with Ragtime, while a successful showing, I feel... empty somehow. As if i am still starving for something to change-- something that tells me that there is a new day right around the corner. SOMETHING that says, "Not only have we reached the fork in the road that determines what we will do and where we will go, but also that we have made a critical choice to acknowledge the error in our previous ways. That we can and will do the work to adjust and to set a course to correct the behavior that has enabled outcomes that are undesirable and unacceptable." That is a tall ask for any one person let alone a whole nation.

  The ten weeks that we spent putting this beautiful show together were some of the most challenging and arduous work I've ever done (and I was in a chorus of enslaved folks for Civil War: The Musical). The music while gorgeous and specifically written for moods and moments in the show were unlike anything I've ever encountered. The language and specificity of the way slurs were used required attention and care. The racism that was portrayed with character and consistency, while perfectly and intently designed, required well reserves of empathy and careful consideration. I have never encountered a more emotionally meaty work in my career. There was a reason we kept all of the slurs within the show. It had to be done to give an accurate depiction of America in its young form-- only 40 years removed from the bloody institution of slavery. It had to be done to show how similar the settings are now.

I can't help but wonder... Was it worth it? Will all that restimulating help anyone understand the true work that we have to do in order to be a unified community?

There are themes from Ragtime that are still repeating in real time to this day. Black people and the traumatic experiences we go through are still being recreated and discussed for entertainment value without consulting how we feel. Women are having their very autonomy and experience questioned in ways and for reasons that do not matter.  Housing is an ever growing cluster with rent inflation, ridiculous application barriers, and the housing market being a game of whack a mole. Good ole American capitalism is setting the standard of what we should put up with and it is aggressive as hell during a time where disease is running rampant and our medical system is buckling under the pressure. It's impossible for me to turn a blind eye away from it while also not feeling the pressure of conformity. It's damn near improbable and unwise to ignore what isn't working. And if you read the headlines, there's plenty that isn't working right now...

But in what wasn't working in society at large, I found in the close knit community of local theater. To be honest, to do what we did seems like completing an odyssey, a Muni Legend from underdogs. Some may not see it this way, but in my eyes it was. Taking people from different communities, backgrounds, ways of life, experiences, and ages to create a retelling of American history is no easy feat. I am so proud of my cast, crew, and staff for stepping up in such a critical period of time.

The responsibility of putting on this show was immense. Creating an environment of trust, safety, and community is hard for shows where there is division amongst cast groupings. Beyond the on stage tension, it is very easy for folks to gravitate to one group of people that they have community with behind the scenes.You have to work at it to create other bridges. You have to create trust between each other. 

And through a series of really strange circumstances we did that. I hope that I did them justice as a leader and I hope that they know how brightly they all shined. It really was an incredible experience. I wish we could take it on the road a couple times a month. It was something that needed a little more air to breathe in my mind. I wanted people to see it and see it again on the anniversary of the nation's birth. I wanted to have a genuine reflection on what America is and means while reconciling what it isn't and should be.

Like I said before, my process is often tested. I don't mind being tried and proven.... but I guess what I was tested is whether or not I am truly equipped to create art for the sake of activism and commentary. Perhaps, I need to keep that to a once in awhile occurrence. For now, I think I'll stick to focusing on joy and my only obligation is to that. This experience can already be too hard.



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